From Disconnect to Healing

A miracle story of chronic pain and trauma leaving

I have been searching for the “right” words for this all week. How does one begin an announcement of something that felt impossible? How can I hold that life-changing experience of hope after this past year of surrendering to the possibility that no hope may be found?

After 14 months of daily, all-consuming pain, I am experiencing immense relief.

I have no easy answers, nor do I want to say it was one thing that was the fix-all. But I feel it’s essential for me to share what happened is happening. It is an active miracle in my life.

It is hope that I must document for myself, as I have documented my journey this year, accepting a life with chronic pain. If you get anything from this, that’s an added benefit of sharing with openness.

Moving From Anger To Openness

Last month, I was in urgent care twice for a multiple-day migraine, an accelerated heart rate despite being at rest, and I was experiencing a pain and fatigue that kept me bed-bound. By no means was this new territory. I have been struggling to be well since last July.

This specific event led me to read a piece by

Warrior Within

’s author, Amber Horrox, on Chronic Migraine and Chronic Fatigue.¹ I have been following Amber for a few years but took a chance in a comment and asked if we could chat sometime.

Amber graciously spent an hour on Zoom with me, listening to my entire year’s account of medical mysteries, frustrations, and current feelings of defeat. At the time of our chat, I was still experiencing major brain fog and speaking problems after a multiple-day migraine. She patiently answered my questions about her own medical journey and how she found her own way through the world of chronic illness. I was reaching out to a stranger for even a glimmer of hope.

After getting back to a full week of work overload and solo parenting, I spent that Saturday morning driving down to Cape Disappointment for three hours to do meet my family. Why not listen to a podcast? I selected an unheard-to-me show about chronic pain and fatigue².

This interview took a turn that made me curse aloud. What the hell was this? They were suggesting that a woman who lived ten years of her life with chronic illnesses effectively got rid of her pain through the mind-body connection. I listened to another interview. And another.

Everyone was sharing the same thing: your brain is sending very real pain signals to your body because it is unable to shut off the fear reaction.

My initial reaction was anger and feeling dismissed. How many doctors have told me that I was just depressed or just a stressed mother? I have heard of this mind-body connection only in this way.

I wonder now if someone giving me specific research and resources, instead of telling me to stop stressing out, would have made a sooner difference. Maybe not.

My second reaction two days later was an internal and all-consuming dwelling upon a trauma I had never discussed with anyone in my life.

By Wednesday morning, I was spiraling out of control.

I opened my bible and read Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Everything came to a tipping point. God was showing me that the verbs “create” and “renew” are not directed at the work I am doing for myself. They are His actions. I had to surrender that fear about sharing my trauma to Him. I needed to give up the idea it was solely my works that was going to bring me any relief.

I did. I went to therapy that day and processed it with EMDR. I released that burden off my heart and asked Christ to take it from me forever. I laid my soul bare and felt the words of scripture pour into me with every breath and tear created in that session.

I went back to the suggestions of the podcast and downloaded the Curable app. After feeling the relief of that experience in my mind, I decided I was open enough to research more.

Why not? I had done every other suggestion in this past year. What was left to lose?

Trusting My Body

A week later I went to a chiropractor.

After my conversation with Amber, who mentioned how she had to listen to her what her body was saying over what anyone’s opinion might be (medical or otherwise), I knew I needed a neck x-ray. In the past year, doctors had refused to look at my neck when they ordered a MRI or CT scan. (I literally don’t know why, guys).

Sure enough, we found my neck leans 20 degrees too far forward (40 mm!) with trauma to the upper vertebrae. It was causing the neck ligaments around my spinal cord to be severely strained.

I’ve always heard adjustments with a chiropractor can do odd things, but never had that experience when I last went a few years ago. This time I felt a terrible flood of burning throughout my body five minutes afterwards and vomited.

After going 3 more times for adjustments and doing more therapy processing work, I have experienced immense relief.

A recent image of me crying with joy that God is good in all times. This is the look of disbelief that pain is being removed.

Relief that infuses me with energy and moments of public (joyful) weeping.

I spent 20 minutes on a treadmill RUNNING.

I picked up my daughter and carried her at the aquarium; weeping with relief that I was acting like the mother I knew I wanted to be, not the one aching in bed again, while Bluey became the daily soundtrack of “Mommy-Can’t-Stand-Right-Now.”

I over did it that weekend, but I don’t care. To over exert myself with two adventure days with my daughter and a run was the most joy I have had in 14 months. I am trying not to weep again now as I write about this miracle in my life.

Hearing someone explain the pain was very real because the brain was in a constant danger state aka sending pain signals for my protection was hard to believe. I took it as a personal failure that my hard work to be my healthiest was still not enough. Having the knowledge my neck is causing physical issues is only part of the teaching I have experienced.

I am able to reposition my heart to openness daily. It is comparable to the time my heart went from being hardened toward God’s existence at 18 to suddenly feeling that openness of belief despite my pride.

This openness has led my pain to go from 9 out of 10 to a 3 out of 10. Right now, I am more curious about my body than in agony over its desire for me to rest.

I would like to write more on what God is teaching me about rest in parenting but I will hold off. I am still learning so much in this moment.

For now, the miracle of relief is enough for me.

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A final reminder: October 11 is the big event!

This journey has reinforced for me the importance of community. The women who listen without judgment, the healthcare professionals who think outside the box – they all play a crucial role in my path to healing.

The 2024 Mental Health & Motherhood Virtual Conference is live Friday, October 11th from 7 AM to 1 PM (PST) but there are recordings if you don’t attend!

This is an opportunity for you to find new tools for your own mental health toolbox, especially as a mother who may feel overwhelmed. Get your tickets before October 10th for $25 today.

Please share with other mothers so they can experience healing in their lives too.

1. Chronic Migraine and Chronic Fatigue

2. The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW