Medical Confusion

A personal update

Reading time is about three minutes.

I have avoided doing many things this week, including writing of this reflection, because I don’t like taking action without answers. I also have no conclusion to this story because I have limited information. Yet the story feels like it should be told anyways.

Something is wrong with me. Doctors don’t know what it could be and neither do I.

I woke up Monday morning feeling fine but by 7:30 am I felt lightheaded enough to go home instead of work. I went to urgent care and then the emergency room. They sent me home with a little less blood in my body and a heart monitor to wear for two weeks.

Tuesday I barely got up and spent my day on the couch watching Parks & Rec reruns. I’ve always liked how Leslie Knope is super driven and passionate about her people and work, even if it means she goes overboard.

Wednesday I felt like that was enough rest and went to work. I lasted two hours sitting at my desk before I called my husband to take me home. I held my lunch bag on my lap like a child in a school office and when his car door closed I burst into tears because I felt powerless. Do I go back to an emergency room where they say I have no life-threatening problems or go home and hope I don’t faint?

Wednesday was full of a lot of tears.

Thursday I decided to take my daughter to school. My heart rate rose from 74 to 122 just in that process. It rose again to 134 when I came home and brushed my teeth.

Something is wrong but nobody can tell me what it is.

The EKG and blood pressure came back normal even though I nearly fainted in triage. No urine, blood, x-ray, or head CT test could bring forth answers.

Behind my gratitude lies an anxiety ball of not understanding why this is happening. I have received kind messages suggesting to look into x, y, and z. I wonder about the unexplained nerve pain last summer and the fainting episode no one could explain.

No signs of blood clots, lupus, heart attack, or nutrient deficiency.

Am I going crazy? I ask myself, to validate my symptoms even with my near-constant chest pressure and lightheadedness, because I’m starting to get used to this unhealthy new normal.

I think about the stressful year I have had and the traumatic experiences in the past five years. I am 31 years old; is my heart defective? Is it not my heart at all?

My doctors have asked me a few times if this could all be a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack last four days and haven’t had any similarities to my past anxiety attacks.

I am not crazy. I know the facts. I see the puzzle but I don’t know what the bigger picture is for me.

p.s.

Something I heard this week on social media that really stuck with me was how mothers tend to buy into the lie that they should have everything handled. If you’re wondering why you aren’t able to do something, consider asking if you’d expect anyone else to handle it.

In this case, a woman cried to a friend: I’m staying home so why can’t I handle my life without feeling overwhelmed?

Her friend replied: Would you ever expect to find a babysitter to handle everything that you’re doing right now? Or would you ask them to make sure your kids are safe and loved and for them to do the best they could with the resources they had?

If you (like me) are in a time where life feels overwhelming, consider how you can speak more kindly to yourself. Mother yourself a little more today.

~Chanel Riggle.