Lean In(to the chaos)

Surrendering to adaptation in parenthood

This is a five minute read.

Photo by Dstudio Bcn on Unsplash

The Narrative

There has been a grand narrative that circulates time and time again that if you really want to do something then you should just wake up earlier than your kids.

I’m here to be the voice that gently reminds you that your morning real estate is not the only time to invest in yourself if you have the desire for it.

I say this with a million variables because that’s what parenthood, especially early parenthood is all about (and I’m talking the first five years). We have to embrace the fact there is no certainty to anything and that we may not have any desire for a while to chase our old hobbies, careers, or goals.

This was particularly frustrating for me in the first six months of my daughter’s life. I tracked everything because that’s what they told me to do (the internet). The apps and accounts I studied sent me weekly emails that reminded me the importance of sleep training and tracking milestones.

It's so much crap, guys. It’s all a numbers game and children are not averages, they are humans. You’re only human, too.

Additionally I was struggling to “bounce back” in body and mind. At seven months postpartum I was finally attempting to get back into helping my husband with our business. I could barely answer the phone without having a panic attack.

I once felt like a superstar and in those moments of juggling a baby on my lap during zoom meetings or answering calls I felt like a loser.

This is what I know now at two years.

1. I can only do so much as a person every day.

2. If my child is teething, growing, developing, or going through any sort of change in environment then it’s likely we’re going to have 1-2 weeks that feel like no one is sleeping well.

How are we supposed to chase our dreams in those first few years after our bodies and brains are transformed to raise our new children¹ and when 1 in 10 women experience postpartum depression?² These factors are extended in impact for women who experience major transitions in or out of the workforce, have little community support, or whom experience financial strain and poverty.

That leads me back to this morning where I am desperately trying to write this while my near two year old gropes me because she still misses breastfeeding. We have traveled room to room in this house while I write, stop, and write some more. No wonder we may feel defeated when we cannot do what once seemed simple. We are forced to multitask at all times.

This all feels surface level in the middle of depressive episodes or battles of illness.

Spoon Theory

In the chronic illness community there is a metaphor I’ve come to appreciate about how our energy can be affected in a day. Say your energy levels are spoons in a kitchen drawer and you only have so many before you are spent and need a proper reset.

One goes to making a meal, another to getting ready for the day, another to commuting to daycare and work. You use two more before noon deciding major things or running around the office and so it goes until you run out.

For many people they can reset their energy with short breaks of rest but for those who are strained by stress, chronic illness, depression, (or motherhood) these micro breaks aren’t sufficient.

It’s a huge reason why postpartum recovery needs work in the United States for paid leave, for medical care, and for societal support that is currently lacking.

So what can we do right now?

This brings us back to the first point: Accept the fact it’s ok if you have lost some desire to pursue the things that used to light you up. I promise they will come back or a new interest outside of your child will bloom. Remember your brain has literally changed its physiology with pregnancy!

Second, if you’re in a season where you want to do more please don’t be deterred by the myth that mornings are the best time for anything.

Before motherhood I would wake up early to pursue self care or hobbies. I’d go to the gym, write morning pages, or even work with a cup of coffee in hand and silence all before 8am.

At least for now the days of quiet time is over (or different.) Learn to surrender the idea that one method works best. That may mean working out at lunch or on walks with your child. It may look like writing after they’ve gone to bed or on your phone during nap time.

God has given us the grace to accept ourselves as human, not superhuman. We are continually changing and growing season by season.

Below are some links and references to statistics. Feel free to comment how you’ve leaned in to more surrender, rest, or adapted in motherhood.

Parental Responsibility for Health Care

1. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/

2. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/