I’m afraid of having more children

Mental health, work, motherhood

The closer I get to achieving my career goals, the more I fear getting pregnant.

The dreams began right after my January promotion and they have only increased along the way.

Every house offer that gets rejected: pregnancy dream.

The few weeks we were concerned my husband’s job was not going to be considered “safe” during the administration shift: pregnancy dream.

It certainly doesn’t help my daughter has been telling people at school that I’m going to have a baby. It’s amusing the first time but it loses its charm when her friends come up to me two months later, rubbing my belly, and sweetly ask when the baby is due.

I asked my daughter to “please stop telling people I’m pregnant, okay?” Her face revealed the emotional rollercoaster she was riding and she kindly and firmly told me with the same resolve as a grown woman, “No, it’s not okay. No thank you. I want a baby.”

The most recent trigger has been after submitting my application to a county leadership program, where, if selected, I would invest monthly and weekly time to learn about how to be a leader in my community. I’d potentially be traveling to the state capitol, meet with education administrators, and learn how this economy is functioning. I’d work with a small team and create a community project. I’ve wanted this for several years.

The first time I considered applying, I didn’t because I felt unqualified (which was true). The next time I considered it, I quickly realized it wasn’t possible with a 18 month old.

I received an informal email saying they were excited to recognize my name from previous 20 under 40 nominations. I wonder if they recall the year someone nominated me when I was in the thick of running a family business, being the primary parent, breastfeeding, and dealing with *depression*.

I tried filling out the 20 under 40 nomination in 2022 but ended up answering questions with replies like “I haven’t volunteered any time because I am the main child provider.”

In my head I was saying “I can’t do anything outside of surviving because I’m exhausted and giving myself in every way to everyone else so why do people think I’m available to be a leader?”

I love my trio of people: my husband, daughter, and me. She’s finally at the age where I can read a book while she plays or I can teach her how to cook. I love that she is four and asking big questions and surprising me with her humor and sweetness. To be her mother is such an honor.

I love being a mother but I grieve the idea that I would have another pregnancy. Those two things can coexist but I seldom speak of them.

I seldom write about that fear like I seldom admitted my past yearning for a child even though I had been told I likely couldn’t have one. I’d laugh off people’s questions after we were married with a glass of wine in my hand, “me? I’m too busy to have children!”

Too busy. Too selfish. Too tired. Too scared. Too medically traumatized.

I can just feel the lack of faith dripping through this confession. I know God would carry me through any circumstance, like he carried me through 14 months of chronic pain, a journey of recovering from addiction, and broken bank accounts.

But knowing He is there for me does not mean I want to go down certain roads.

His will be done but Lord if it be your will please don’t send me back into the months of pregnancy illness or near death birthing experience, postpartum depression and anxiety years, or giving up the possibility for us to have our own place to live.

I love being a mother.

I love working.

There will never be the perfect balance.

In case you missed it:

The next Mental Health & Motherhood summit is set for October 10, 2025. You can apply to be a speaker until May 1, 2025.

This post felt very vulnerable yet important to share because it speaks to my motivation to even create the Mental Health and Motherhood events. I’d appreciate you ❤️ this if you read it and sharing it if it resonates.