Oh gosh this is a great article Chanel, I’m sure many relate.
I desperately wanted a large family and two stillbirths and three traumatic births put a stop to that. I’m grateful to have one daughter. It feels so true that you can’t have it all. I think it’s normal to experience anger at no longer having freedom to do what you want, whilst also cherishing your child. Such a conflict! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for reading and engaging here, Kate. I had a lot of complex feelings and thoughts in this package. I feel grief for your losses and am grateful you have a growing daughter.
One thing I have also taken to heart from an older woman in my church recently is the idea that motherhood grows in many ways. She said this to comfort me that I could help guide others younger than me but she is one of those women mentoring and mothering me in my own life too.
These feelings are so valid! I literally spent almost all of my last counseling session talking about how I was 80% certain I didn't want a second baby but felt guilty because several of my friends are pregnant and/or trying for another. I LOVE my son. I love being his mom. And I fear if I tried to go through another pregnancy/early newborn years I'd stop loving it.
"Know when to stop," is a phrase that came to me during our New Year's vacation in Florida on the beach, watching a sunrise by myself, journaling. This is so powerful for women. Knowing when to stop means knowing when it's enough, when it's done, when it's complete, and whole, just as it is. 💗
I can relate to this. I knew I wanted more children after my first, but didn't want to go back into building a career only to keep being disrupted by pregnancy and the early years - it's how I ended up with such a small age gap between my children 😅
I'm unclear on whether this piece was saying that you want another child but there's never a right time or that you don't want another. But in case you need to hear it... It's ok to stop at one. Society puts so much pressure on us to keep going after that first child, but I know lots of one child families who are absolutely thriving. If it doesn't feel right, maybe it's because it isn't. Or maybe it's just that it isn't *yet*. Either way, there's no harm in prioritising yourself for a while, you deserve to follow your dreams
I think that’s the crux of the problem. There is no easy answer. I am content with one child but sometimes I feel bouts of grief that my body has such a hard time with growing and raising a child. I also feel anxiety about growing into my own career goals and being potentially derailed by pregnancy.
Ah I'm glad you took it that way, I was worried I was overstepping with what I said! So pleased you saw I was extending kindness. It's such a tough choice to navigate, go easy on yourself
The pressure is terrible! I have one though because I lost the other two in late/full term pregnancy. This meant I was off the hook to keep trying! Though my body still craved more. There are advantages and disadvantages to both but we all have to do what feels right for us.
I can relate to this so much, but for me it's more about my weight and feeling like my body can't handle another pregnancy until I get to a healthier weight + dreading going through the nausea, weight gain and no sleep again, so it ends up like a 2 year block of time where you're just surviving and everything else feels like it's on the back burner, including work, writing and passion projects.
Whenever I wrestle with how I'll balance work and another baby, my husband always reminds me that we'll cross that bridge when we get there and figure it out, like we always do. It's cliche but it's a good reminder to not borrow from tomorrow's troubles + that we've gotten through hard things before with the Lord's help and we'll do it again when the time comes. Another friend taught me the phrase, "This is not a rock we're turning over today" and I've been telling myself that when I start stressing about potentially getting pregnant again and all the implications that will have on my life for the next few years.
It's a wrestling few Christian women talk about, maybe because in our trad wife culture, desiring to keep growing in your work is deemed selfish and "un Christian" but as you and I talk about often - for us, our work is ingrained in who we are and without it, I just don't function at my best. It's not an identity thing, but just how I'm wired. If my brain isn't being challenged and that part of my brain isn't being used in some capacity, I am literally a worse version of myself. So, trying to navigate that in this child bearing season is so complex and sadly, hard to talk about because so many women seem not to get this wrestling.
Praying God gives you courage and wisdom to navigate this decision.
Also LOVE this community leadership program you applied to - I hope you get a spot in the program!
Thank you for your thoughts and support, my friend. I think another aspect of this is the grief that it has to be this way. I know if I did have another child I would be blessed. I would shift my life to keep my family first as I always have because it’s my value not my burden. If I had less health stressors or financial stress then maybe my no thank you would be less firm.
How complex it can all be to hold both of these things in our hands all the while knowing God holds us.
I felt all of this! My experience bringing life into this world was a little different but I can identify with your current thought process shared, regarding having more children! I wasn’t aware of the summit but look forward to looking more into it! Thank you for openly sharing💕
Thank you for reading ❤️ It is such a vulnerable thing to share but felt necessary. The vulnerable things are usually what we are all relating to the most. I update frequently in the summit here so following will keep you posted!
Thanks for bravely writing this! I wasn’t sure if I would have biological children (I was happy being a foster/adoptive mother), but then I did have one bio, and as grateful as I am for her, I knew/know I do not want to go through pregnancy/labor/postpartum again. I love all my babies so much, but it is SO hard, and it affects mamas in different ways. There’s a cost to every decision to consider, and no easy answers. Anyway, I’m rambling, but just know that even though I am not saying it well, I see and hear and respect you and this essay.
You can ramble here. Leave loose ends too. I’m all about difficult things to ponder ❤️ In whatever way it happens motherhood is an immense change for us. That change is such an honor and such a fright to consider.
This was so refreshingly honest. Thank you for sharing it. I can relate in that I absolutely love being a mother to my daughter — and, I’ve also experienced so much change in this process that I want to feel settled into who I am now before doing it again. I often say to my partner, now that I know what motherhood requires from me — I’m not in a rush to go again. (Though as my friends start to fall pregnant again… I do feel slight twangs of envy!)
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience here, Kiya! It’s absolutely wild how much motherhood changes us and I think that is both the highest honor and the scariest thing for me — to know how radically it would change my life again.
Ooofff this sounds like it’s taking you deeper into healing. Really digging into the roots of migraine as a dis-ease in the body (or un-ease as you might describe it to be now).
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to broach a subject of this nature. But it is one many of us will resonate with, even if subconsciously. It’s a really important topic to be talked about.
Thank you for being brave and honest with this article! I’m currently pregnant with my second and understand your feelings all too well. I also think birth (and pregnancy) can be more traumatizing than we’re willing to talk about.
I’d originally wanted kids closer in age but my first will be almost 4 when this one comes along. I had to emotionally prepare myself for being pregnant again.
It’s okay to take your time to decide what you really want. And if that’s to stop with one, that will be the right choice for you 💖
Congrats, Lindsay! Every child is such a blessing. Whenever I write something very vulnerable like this I feel like I have to restate I really do love my child 🙃 But trauma is very real and I understand the need to emotionally prepare.
I was/still am so afraid to have a third child. She was born two weeks ago and the fear isn’t gone yet, lol. But I’ve decided I’d rather live with the fear and work with it than live questioning whether or not I should have had another. That doesn’t make the days any easier and I didn’t have a lot of trauma to work through alongside it, but the more I see women on here writing about their experiences the more I think fear and anxiety are just part of the package. We fear the fear. And each of us individually has to decide what it’s pointing to. For some of us the fear is absolutely trying to keep us safe. And for others it’s trying to keep us small. The hard part is figuring out what the fear is really saying.
This is such a powerful piece, Chanel. I wanted to be a mother more than anything and for over 7 long years as we struggled with infertility, my chronic pain and multiple IVF cycles, the idea that I possibly might NOT become a mother was devastating to me. I was overjoyed when we finally conceived and being B’s mummy is absolutely magical. During his first year, I was frequently struck by grief that B will likely grow up without siblings because even if it were financially possible (which it’s not) I don’t think I could face the stress and emotional and physical trauma of IVF again. Lately, though, I think I’ve been secretly feeling a little bit relieved to have an ‘excuse’ not to have any more children. B’s second year has been challenging for me, juggling my career and motherhood and the thought of trying to parent a second child as well genuinely feels terrifying. And it makes me feel all kinds of guilty and confused because I always imagined myself having 2 kids and I’m still saddened by the thought of B not having a sibling to grow up with. But I really think being a one child family might be the right thing for us.
Those complex feelings of grief are very much how I feel too. Before I had my daughter I kind of assumed we would have two kids. We didn’t expect all the medical trauma to come with it or the financial struggles we would be facing. I will be praying for you when I pray over my own complex grief.
It’s so hard. I wanted two kids two year apart, but they ended up being over four years apart (and the second kiddo almost didn’t happen at all). Sometimes I wonder how much simpler life would be with just one kid, and how my career might not feel like a total dumpster fire. But this is our reality now. It’s a hard decision - and one we don’t all get to make! Be gentle with yourself.
Thank you so much for the prayer. Overall I have a lot of peace about our decision but some days there is so much emotion attached to topics like this. I appreciate your comment.
Oh gosh this is a great article Chanel, I’m sure many relate.
I desperately wanted a large family and two stillbirths and three traumatic births put a stop to that. I’m grateful to have one daughter. It feels so true that you can’t have it all. I think it’s normal to experience anger at no longer having freedom to do what you want, whilst also cherishing your child. Such a conflict! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for reading and engaging here, Kate. I had a lot of complex feelings and thoughts in this package. I feel grief for your losses and am grateful you have a growing daughter.
One thing I have also taken to heart from an older woman in my church recently is the idea that motherhood grows in many ways. She said this to comfort me that I could help guide others younger than me but she is one of those women mentoring and mothering me in my own life too.
These feelings are so valid! I literally spent almost all of my last counseling session talking about how I was 80% certain I didn't want a second baby but felt guilty because several of my friends are pregnant and/or trying for another. I LOVE my son. I love being his mom. And I fear if I tried to go through another pregnancy/early newborn years I'd stop loving it.
"Know when to stop," is a phrase that came to me during our New Year's vacation in Florida on the beach, watching a sunrise by myself, journaling. This is so powerful for women. Knowing when to stop means knowing when it's enough, when it's done, when it's complete, and whole, just as it is. 💗
Such a good phrase to write about too. Thank you for this comment
It’s so important not to be swayed by what others are doing, it takes strength!
I can relate to this. I knew I wanted more children after my first, but didn't want to go back into building a career only to keep being disrupted by pregnancy and the early years - it's how I ended up with such a small age gap between my children 😅
I'm unclear on whether this piece was saying that you want another child but there's never a right time or that you don't want another. But in case you need to hear it... It's ok to stop at one. Society puts so much pressure on us to keep going after that first child, but I know lots of one child families who are absolutely thriving. If it doesn't feel right, maybe it's because it isn't. Or maybe it's just that it isn't *yet*. Either way, there's no harm in prioritising yourself for a while, you deserve to follow your dreams
I think that’s the crux of the problem. There is no easy answer. I am content with one child but sometimes I feel bouts of grief that my body has such a hard time with growing and raising a child. I also feel anxiety about growing into my own career goals and being potentially derailed by pregnancy.
I also want to acknowledge this is such a kind comment and I appreciate you
Ah I'm glad you took it that way, I was worried I was overstepping with what I said! So pleased you saw I was extending kindness. It's such a tough choice to navigate, go easy on yourself
The pressure is terrible! I have one though because I lost the other two in late/full term pregnancy. This meant I was off the hook to keep trying! Though my body still craved more. There are advantages and disadvantages to both but we all have to do what feels right for us.
Sorry to hear about your losses x
Thank you Charlotte! It was a long time ago ❤️❤️
I can relate to this so much, but for me it's more about my weight and feeling like my body can't handle another pregnancy until I get to a healthier weight + dreading going through the nausea, weight gain and no sleep again, so it ends up like a 2 year block of time where you're just surviving and everything else feels like it's on the back burner, including work, writing and passion projects.
Whenever I wrestle with how I'll balance work and another baby, my husband always reminds me that we'll cross that bridge when we get there and figure it out, like we always do. It's cliche but it's a good reminder to not borrow from tomorrow's troubles + that we've gotten through hard things before with the Lord's help and we'll do it again when the time comes. Another friend taught me the phrase, "This is not a rock we're turning over today" and I've been telling myself that when I start stressing about potentially getting pregnant again and all the implications that will have on my life for the next few years.
It's a wrestling few Christian women talk about, maybe because in our trad wife culture, desiring to keep growing in your work is deemed selfish and "un Christian" but as you and I talk about often - for us, our work is ingrained in who we are and without it, I just don't function at my best. It's not an identity thing, but just how I'm wired. If my brain isn't being challenged and that part of my brain isn't being used in some capacity, I am literally a worse version of myself. So, trying to navigate that in this child bearing season is so complex and sadly, hard to talk about because so many women seem not to get this wrestling.
Praying God gives you courage and wisdom to navigate this decision.
Also LOVE this community leadership program you applied to - I hope you get a spot in the program!
Thank you for your thoughts and support, my friend. I think another aspect of this is the grief that it has to be this way. I know if I did have another child I would be blessed. I would shift my life to keep my family first as I always have because it’s my value not my burden. If I had less health stressors or financial stress then maybe my no thank you would be less firm.
How complex it can all be to hold both of these things in our hands all the while knowing God holds us.
I felt all of this! My experience bringing life into this world was a little different but I can identify with your current thought process shared, regarding having more children! I wasn’t aware of the summit but look forward to looking more into it! Thank you for openly sharing💕
Thank you for reading ❤️ It is such a vulnerable thing to share but felt necessary. The vulnerable things are usually what we are all relating to the most. I update frequently in the summit here so following will keep you posted!
Thanks for bravely writing this! I wasn’t sure if I would have biological children (I was happy being a foster/adoptive mother), but then I did have one bio, and as grateful as I am for her, I knew/know I do not want to go through pregnancy/labor/postpartum again. I love all my babies so much, but it is SO hard, and it affects mamas in different ways. There’s a cost to every decision to consider, and no easy answers. Anyway, I’m rambling, but just know that even though I am not saying it well, I see and hear and respect you and this essay.
You can ramble here. Leave loose ends too. I’m all about difficult things to ponder ❤️ In whatever way it happens motherhood is an immense change for us. That change is such an honor and such a fright to consider.
This was so refreshingly honest. Thank you for sharing it. I can relate in that I absolutely love being a mother to my daughter — and, I’ve also experienced so much change in this process that I want to feel settled into who I am now before doing it again. I often say to my partner, now that I know what motherhood requires from me — I’m not in a rush to go again. (Though as my friends start to fall pregnant again… I do feel slight twangs of envy!)
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience here, Kiya! It’s absolutely wild how much motherhood changes us and I think that is both the highest honor and the scariest thing for me — to know how radically it would change my life again.
It’s so important to honour your own truth and feelings!
Ooofff this sounds like it’s taking you deeper into healing. Really digging into the roots of migraine as a dis-ease in the body (or un-ease as you might describe it to be now).
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to broach a subject of this nature. But it is one many of us will resonate with, even if subconsciously. It’s a really important topic to be talked about.
You are brave 🩵
Thank you for reading, Amber. Often times writing is easy but sharing is an act of bravery. Seeing how many women might be feeling similar is helpful.
Thank you for being brave and honest with this article! I’m currently pregnant with my second and understand your feelings all too well. I also think birth (and pregnancy) can be more traumatizing than we’re willing to talk about.
I’d originally wanted kids closer in age but my first will be almost 4 when this one comes along. I had to emotionally prepare myself for being pregnant again.
It’s okay to take your time to decide what you really want. And if that’s to stop with one, that will be the right choice for you 💖
Congrats, Lindsay! Every child is such a blessing. Whenever I write something very vulnerable like this I feel like I have to restate I really do love my child 🙃 But trauma is very real and I understand the need to emotionally prepare.
Thank you for the beauty you put into the world. You’re incredibly brave in your vulnerability.
Thank you for this comment and encouragement. ❤️
I was/still am so afraid to have a third child. She was born two weeks ago and the fear isn’t gone yet, lol. But I’ve decided I’d rather live with the fear and work with it than live questioning whether or not I should have had another. That doesn’t make the days any easier and I didn’t have a lot of trauma to work through alongside it, but the more I see women on here writing about their experiences the more I think fear and anxiety are just part of the package. We fear the fear. And each of us individually has to decide what it’s pointing to. For some of us the fear is absolutely trying to keep us safe. And for others it’s trying to keep us small. The hard part is figuring out what the fear is really saying.
So very true, Ashley. I also hope you can find healing in this season, whatever that looks like. <3
This is such a powerful piece, Chanel. I wanted to be a mother more than anything and for over 7 long years as we struggled with infertility, my chronic pain and multiple IVF cycles, the idea that I possibly might NOT become a mother was devastating to me. I was overjoyed when we finally conceived and being B’s mummy is absolutely magical. During his first year, I was frequently struck by grief that B will likely grow up without siblings because even if it were financially possible (which it’s not) I don’t think I could face the stress and emotional and physical trauma of IVF again. Lately, though, I think I’ve been secretly feeling a little bit relieved to have an ‘excuse’ not to have any more children. B’s second year has been challenging for me, juggling my career and motherhood and the thought of trying to parent a second child as well genuinely feels terrifying. And it makes me feel all kinds of guilty and confused because I always imagined myself having 2 kids and I’m still saddened by the thought of B not having a sibling to grow up with. But I really think being a one child family might be the right thing for us.
Those complex feelings of grief are very much how I feel too. Before I had my daughter I kind of assumed we would have two kids. We didn’t expect all the medical trauma to come with it or the financial struggles we would be facing. I will be praying for you when I pray over my own complex grief.
Thank you, Chanel. I appreciate the grace in that gesture.x
It’s so hard. I wanted two kids two year apart, but they ended up being over four years apart (and the second kiddo almost didn’t happen at all). Sometimes I wonder how much simpler life would be with just one kid, and how my career might not feel like a total dumpster fire. But this is our reality now. It’s a hard decision - and one we don’t all get to make! Be gentle with yourself.
I hope you are gentle with yourself too ❤️
Thank you so much for the prayer. Overall I have a lot of peace about our decision but some days there is so much emotion attached to topics like this. I appreciate your comment.