Behind the Scenes Mental Health
Real talk about identity, productivity, and belonging
I cried in the car during my therapy session, which is actually not common for me to do. The words came out slow and difficult.
“I think people only like who I am when I’m working.”
Working on projects.
Working on parenting.
Working on work.
Working on getting stuff done for them. Working for the good of the order.
I often find myself dipping my toes into socializing, going into spaces outside of these productivity roles I have —employee, parent, organizer of event, etc.— and feel like I’m masking who I am. When that part slips out, I become anxious.
I am not being dishonest about who I am, but I am deeply uncomfortable feeling like my past and present selves are showing up to the party at the same time.
If I interact with someone based on what I do, inevitably I feel like I don’t do enough.
My therapist asks, “Who are you then? Who are you outside of work? The parts that you want people to like?”
I am quiet. I am vulnerable.
I read books while everyone else is talking and I feel content being in the same space with my loved ones without interacting.
I am proud of my ability to face a challenge and learn skills to overcome them.
I am proud of my writing — the ability to knead the words out like dough on a wooden board as I type away sentences.
But I am also a child inside. That part of me is content with being severely grounded by my parents throughout school because then I don’t have to try fitting in with people who I don’t think are my friends. I don’t have to make decisions or meet high expectations. There’s no punishment now outside of my inner self.
The Messy Parts
With a plot twist, I also open up an email that morning with a link to my interview on mental health transparency.
’s subtitle sent me to tears.an interview with a woman who has fought tirelessly to tend her to own mental health and found a way to support other moms along the way. an icon, if you will.
Who? Me? Does she know I had a meltdown of sorts over how judgmental I was toward a stranger last week or that I couldn’t get through a workday without replaying my awkward conversations? Surely, she didn’t know I cried in the car about all the issues I write about on work and identity!1
Yes, me. Flaws a plenty.
And I suppose she does know that I have messy parts because I am pretty transparent on mental health. I really have fought tirelessly to tend to my own mental health. God, it can be so exhausting.
Am I an icon? No. Desperate to write about the topic? Yea. What else can I do?
Do you think I started this Substack with confidence in my topic or because I have so much experience falling through the mental health gaps that this was the only way to climb back up?
The Mental Health & Motherhood Virtual Conference was nothing more than a severe leap of faith. I am simply doing the next possible thing out of pure gumption and desperation for you to see I don’t have it quite together.
I suppose that’s what I want to wrap up with in this monologue about my mental health. Please don’t think I’m preaching to anyone but myself:
You can be and still become. You can acknowledge the old selves (the anxious child, the short sighted young adult, the addict, the hard-hearted) and see them alongside the new parts developing and growing (the wife, the mother, the encourager).
You can make mistakes and be at peace. You do not need to live in the existence of black and white situations when life is a spectrum. Doesn’t God truly work out all things for his good will? Why do you toil over your words and actions like the world will fall apart when you inevitably fail? Instead find freedom in knowing there is no perfection to achieve for Christ has broken that bondage.
The Interview: “Let’s Talk Therapy”
In this interview I am very transparent about my therapy journey. I hope it somehow inspires someone to feel less alone and equipped to keep fighting for themselves.
I am encouraged by women like
, who was one of the speakers for last year’s virtual conference, because she works in the mental health field and writes about her own messy parts. She is very generous for publishing these interviews and providing her insights.In the interview we chat about EMDR, therapy costs, electromagnetic treatments, and the mental health gap for receiving care. If you suddenly find your reading time is up, please save this read for later and give it a heart to support her work.
Random things:
+ I’m reading a lot of books right now. Mostly fiction. But you should know my friend
just launched her next book “We Need Your Art” and you should get it.+ I felt very seen by this essay “5 minutes of self care is not enough”
+ My daughter turned 4 and I’m feeling both excited by her developing personality and challenged by her strong-will. Pray for me :)
+ Also did a recent interview on chronic health and my miraculous recovery
+ If you made it this far, I’m letting you know that there will be a 2025 Mental Health & Motherhood Summit this year. A few changes are being made to make the event even more accessible to attendees and speakers. What else can I do? I don’t know how to hush up about mental health advocacy.
+ I have a few more guest posts to publish. Thanks for supporting the mothers who have been featured so far!
I’m fairly certain that Kaitlyn as a professional and internet friend would not give a dang about me crying about identity issues because she is a very kind human and would probably be happy to see it was with my therapist. The hypotheticals are a reflection of my internal monologue. Do you relate?
@Chanel Riggle, I just ran across your profile; and seeing what you are writing about made me wonder if you know the work of @Molly Dickens, PhD
You’re an icon to me 💛 Anyone who takes their experience and tries their best to pay it forward in compassion and access to resources, iconic. (But I know what you mean)