Sharing With Vulnerability

Or not sharing

I have been writing online for the better part of 15 years.

In the beginning it was in the days of Blogger and generally a recording of my life. Around a decade ago I started writing for people as well as myself; online ministry writing and publishing articles for submission with nervous hands.

I look back now and read the words I once believed were vulnerable pieces that weren’t all that exposing and I see how much I have truly shared with my readers in the past decade. Readers…referencing the people who have read but not necessarily followed my writing.

I’ve always written about what impacts me but I believe that the shift of how we process information online has impacted how I sometimes don’t write if there is no message or end note to settle things. It’s the desire to have a stance or keep things tidy.

There is something truly powerful about sharing things with vulnerability to others. My journeys with health, motherhood, creative, business, and anything in between have cluttered your newsfeeds over the years. Really the only thing I have not shared has been about my marriage, for which I am firmly grateful.

I’ve been fairly radio silent here compared to how I once could share something every 7-10 days. I’m not sure why.

I could be devaluing my thoughts if they have no intentional lesson or tidy conclusion behind them.

I could be burnt out from a season of job loss and emotional distress.

I could be exhausted from being a full time working parent.

A friend recently asked me why I have felt tapped out in this way and I don’t know.

I don’t know.

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In the spirit of valuing my life in writing without having a purposeful message, here is what I have been doing/ saying/ thinking behind the scenes of tidy public spheres.

• I’ve been trying to lower my cholesterol and sugar intake to combat the inflammation issues I struggle with along with learning to care for myself while living with polycystic ovarian syndrome. This has been about 80% successful in my diet changes but I’m still emotionally buying brownies.

• I’ve been reading my bible almost every night and attending a women’s bible study every Monday. This is causing me to think deeply about a lot. I’m considering a free two year bible education to better equip myself as a writer of faith.

• I work a 9-5 job that I am very grateful for to help financially provide for my family but there is no creativity in it. This makes me feel strange and uncomfortable because I miss the creative pursuit at work.

• I struggle to trust myself because of how my body and mental health so closely affect one another these days. I’m constantly trying to make sense of my health. This is an exhausting pursuit.