Running Up That Hill
Chronic Pain & Writing
Reading time about 4 minutes
Of all the topics I write about, why does persistent pain and its impact in my life feel like the most challenging?
Motherhood Minute was created with the intention that I would have a space I could be vulnerable about my struggles in, as I learned what it meant to incorporate my life with parenthood. The opposite of what I had originally thought before my daughter was born, in which I believed my life would be the same and there would simply be another person in it; I assumed parenthood would be incorporated with my life.
I laughingly recall thinking I could easily leave my newborn behind and head back into work (which at the time was a laborious car cleaning business with my husband.) I hadn’t anticipated the daily challenges of newborn vomit that drenched me nearly every day, the feeling of anger and grief at losing myself despite loving my daughter, and the physical toll of pregnancy and an emergency Cesarean surgery.
This newsletter was a space created in the late night (or early morning) nursing sessions that allowed me to practice sharing my struggles with being a full time caretaker while running our family business. It allowed me to write about the emotional rollercoaster that is parenthood; it is a journey in which you believe you’re raising your child but you end up confronting your inner child every day, and wondering how you’re going to raise them up too. (My piece on body image is a great example of that and I’ve linked it below.)
Despite the record of hard topics and revealing words I’ve written in Motherhood Minute, writing about my chronic pain lately has felt… taxing and cringeworthy.
One one hand I know that writing has always been a way to soothe my soul and make sense of the world internally and externally. On the other hand it feels like I am a broken record that will make everyone leave the party. The writing rollercoaster has been just as frustrating as the medical ride I’m on.
As if my pain wasn’t already a burden in my physical life, now it’s telling me that I am not worthy to be heard or cared for. I am tired of doctors asking if other doctors have cared for me when everyone has said they don’t know what’s wrong. On to the next referral.
What constitutes a crisis? What is enough pain for me to experience for me to feel like it’s important enough? Motherhood has always had its share of pain yet I struggle (the word of the day) to share my thoughts about it in this space…any space.
Other things in my life are happening, of course, in spite of my daily pain. For one, I have been relearning to run this past month.
It has been extremely slow and frustrating because there are some days I simply don’t have the energy to do it. My three legged dog, Pogo, has been training with me. There is nothing quite as motivating than looking down at a dog missing a limb and pushing forward just a bit longer. At the end of this September, I will be running my first 5k race in 6 years; I feel sad he can’t run the race with me.
Although I rediscovered the joy of running, I began again out of spite. I want any doctor who talks to me to know I am not sitting around in pain. I am fighting even if some days I can barely raise a fist. I am not being passive.
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Since I didn’t type this on the computer, here’s the link to the Body Image piece!
