Reconciliation with Body Dysmorphia

Learning to love yourself

As my daughter (almost 2) stood on her learning tower and picked at her breakfast assortment of Veggie Straws, bagels, and banana bread, I wondered about the thirteen year old girl who once stood before her mirror pounding on her thighs.

Behind my eyes swirl the memory of young Chanel tucked away in her bedroom scratching her legs with hot tears rolling down her cheeks. My fists slamming into my runner legs as if they could somehow be thinned flat. Why did her thigh muscles pop out by her hips unlike the friends who were slim? Why did she have to shop in the women’s petite section for jeans if she wasn’t a woman and wasn’t overweight?

I see that girl from 17 years ago and wish I could speak love to her like I try to speak with my daughter.

I’m just happy that you’re eating protein today!

You have such a beautiful belly!

Look at those strong legs!

I try to practice this self love with her and me at the same time. All these years later I find myself standing in the mirror with conflicting inner voices speaking to me.

Mommy has a beautiful belly too, I say doubting my own words but forcing them anyways, despite the thoughts that focus on the stretch marks and the limpness of my once pregnancy-swollen skin.

Mama’s legs are strong enough to hold you for a long time when you need her, I say, trying to remind that thirteen year old girl that she was built for this kind of physical love long before she ever needed to consider that kind of future.

I want my daughter to be strong.

I know the world will eventually start to try breaking her down. One day a child will tell her that she is different and therefore bad. A boy will say she is too much or not enough. A girl may compare her body to their own. But I want to prepare her now, as a toddler to think differently.

But I’m not there yet, even with myself. How can I possibly parent in a healthy way if I cannot be healthy in my own mind? Three things come to mind:

1. Focusing on how different foods can give you better energy or make your body stronger instead of the “good” or “bad” foods.

2. Speaking aloud in a positive way about my own body, as well as her body.

3. Refraining from talking about “needing to diet.”.

I’m not an expert but this is what I am trying to do more when it comes to making things better for our future, together as a family.

I hope I can equip my child and myself to view the body as a means to show love and compassion; not as something to wage war against. I felt that love when I lifted heavy boxes into the food bank truck or stretched my arms up to feel tension release. I felt that compassion when I rocked my daughter to sleep during a restaurant meltdown or used my hands to rub my husband’s back.

I want to get to a point where I shop for clothes that protect and comfort my body instead of forcing myself to be the one making room for what other’s say should work.

These big things can take a lifetime, but like my mindset that celebrates my daughter finally just eating something hearty, I can celebrate my own little miracles.

Have old body issues come up in your motherhood journey?

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