"Is There No Room To Ponder?" And Other Things I Worry About

Online overwhelm, Barbie, and feeling misunderstood

A Barbie or possibly an overwhelmed mother. Photo by S M on Unsplash

There has been a growing feeling of overwhelm being online or even socializing in person that has stirred me to write here. These thoughts will likely remain partially unformed but I want to write anyways, as a way to ask, “Am I the only one?”

I was sick and decided to catch up on movies I’d missed in the past year, including Barbie. (Yes, I am that behind on what’s new.) The craftsmanship in this movie was delightful and full of satirical goodness.

But when I expressed my overall disappointment with the movie’s failure to create a fantasy world that did offer gender equality (you can’t let even one man on your Supreme Court after the climatic resolution scene??), I got uncomfortable shifting from the people I shared this with in person and crickets online…

But let’s look at America Ferrera’s monologue in the film (probably not new for you), which masterfully sums up what I’ve been feeling in the world right now. Here are some excerpts:

“You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

…But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

Excerpts from America Ferrera’s monologue in “Barbie”

I liked the Barbie movie, and I also did not like it. Why can’t I easily declare both feelings publicly? (A question of our culture and of my own internal dialogue, for sure).

Why are we culturally in a state where opinions must be absolute? Why are we reading into someone’s notes, videos, or comments and declaring that if they believe A, then they certainly believe B! I feel as if there are little to no rooms (online or in-person) to breathe in opposing or even adjacent views, chew them over, and let them be what they may be.

Who knows, perhaps that was the Barbie creators’ intention, to show that women thinking they are 100% in the right is just like what the men did to them. I can’t ask them, I can only ponder.

I worry about this kind of thing often.

I fear that by acknowledging we may come from privilege, sometimes we are also denying ourselves opportunities to feel real things. I see this with mothers in particular, who question if they are allowed to feel internal conflict if they also have more support (or money or time) than other mothers. I fear that if I don’t add a disclaimer statement that I do believe it is powerful and good to acknowledge privilege, then I will be seen as ignorant.

Perhaps, this is why I have often felt a desire to “delete it all” or sit down and be silent, particularly as a mother. If I can’t question why something is done without being resolute in my answer, is there any room for me to grow and chew over decisions slowly?

Do I really need to know exactly how I’m going to breastfeed/introduce foods/sleep-train/co-sleep/potty-train/educate my child?

Am I allowed to change my mind?

An example of this was when I decided to share a curious observation that Substack changed their focus from writers to “culture.” Before I realized it, I was grieving at every person who was reading that Note as if I only wanted Substack to be for writers and not any other sort of creator. If you have followed Motherhood Minute for the past six months even, you’ll know that’s not the case.

So I had to go back and clarify:

Edit: I hope my original note is not being misread as “only writers welcome here!” because it is not my intent. I like seeing the different types of media here but I think this could be handled by Substack better. For example, not having an auto play video feature.

Most of my opinions on this and how I put out my own personal content is based from my experiences with overstimulation.

Original: When Substack declares their focus has shifted from writers to culture 🧐

So we’re back to the questions:

Are we allowed to ponder things and can we ever find a space online to do it? (Due to human nature, I’m guessing no…)

Are we quick to assume and slow to digest? (I know I can do this often…)

Can we believe one thing while also believing something else that may seem contradictory?

Perhaps I am writing this for the exact reasons the character Gloria speaks in the Barbie movie after all; maybe I’m tying myself into a knot. This might be one big newsletter example of people-pleasing.

“And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.”

Excerpts from America Ferrera’s monologue in “Barbie”

Links: Things I’ve Been Reading Lately

I really love how

Heidi Fiedler

shares what she’s been reading/watching/listening to and wanted to join in on that here. Speaking of Heidi, you should follow her to learn more about creativity, motherhood, and publishing children’s books.

• This beautiful piece from Mariah, where she ponders mom guilt and showing up for others in their need. It’s much more than that but I’m keeping it brief.

• Yelena contemplating mom-influencers, postpartum, and what God is teaching her about motherhood right now.

• Krista’s reflections on making a sandwich. This was short, but so lovely. It felt like a little love note for the overstimulated me.

• Naomi shares how that last Bluey episode let her down despite it still being a family-favorite show. I appreciated the mixed emotions she shared as her family prepares to move.

• Tanmeet shares how she recovers from jet lag (and it’s beautiful advice for anyone, whether you travel or not). I think the mothers reading should dive into this one!