I'm still mentally here.
Learning contentment in this space
Reading time about 4 minutes.
I’m still mentally in a hospital bed looking for my own medical diagnosis but physically I’m waiting to start my work day with a cup of tea.
There is a constant prickling and itchy wool sweater feeling all over my body. It takes root in my hands and then extends to my arms, chest, shoulders, head, and down my legs. I am doing my best to breathe deeply and stay grateful so the people close to me don’t hear the nonstop monologue within my head saying “Make it stop.”
In this month of unanswered medical struggles, I feel a deep desire to write but I can’t find ways to get words out without being deeply wounded by the hurt I feel. I want to write about how I’ve been able to overcome hard things before but the pain of those challenges feels like territory best left alone.
I am too severed to examine anything else that once felt raw.
There are plenty of good things in my life right now. I started a new marketing job that is mostly work-from-home, allowing me to move away from masking my pain in front of others and into a comfortable environment where I am alone. I’ve been able to start walking again without being completely out of breath as I was a week ago.
Yes, just a week ago I was discharged from a three-day hospital visit. It didn’t bring me healing but it forced me to rest. You can read more about my reflections on my faith during medical struggles here.
I feel very much like this year has been one of tremendous growth internally but a lot remains the same.
We’re still not in a great financial situation and almost exactly a year ago I was struggling with the painful pins and needles that I have right now.
I’m touched out at a time when I don’t want anyone to touch me. I’m bargaining with myself how I’m going to expend my little energy every day.
Despite the thoughts that cycle in me that I am using Substack to complain about my circumstances, so carry on and reread the comments I’ve saved in my phone from you readers who say thank you for making me feel seen while I struggle too.
A few simple joys:
Lately I have been listening to “Even Better Than Eden” by Nancy Guthrie. I’m only two chapters in but I can tell you this is the book I wish I could have written. I recommend it for anyone who needs help looking up especially when times are painful.
I bought myself a mechanical keyboard that makes writing mundane emails seem joyful.
I’ve been incorporating more decaf and sugar free drinks in my life. Surprisingly I found a sparkling Aloe drink at Costco that takes great.
I’m still pursuing more education in my life (but it’s been slow this month with my health) between online bible school and working on a Digital Marketing Google certification. Coursera provides the certification and you can find more about the Bible school in the newsletter linked above.
To stay as real as I can be my current arguments with my toddler surround not eating popsicles for every meal. The beautiful things about this season with her include her loving barefoot time in princess style dresses while she looks for bugs.