How To Help Your Child Through Anxiety
A Personal Story From A Child Therapist
Written by: Kati Overmier, LMSW, MSSA, co-founder of UNRAVEL Your Days
Kati Overmier is a licensed therapist, social worker, and the co-founder of UNRAVEL Your Days - a virtual studio and community for womxn reframing mind-body-soul wellness for everyday life. Kati loves Broadway musicals, all things Harry Potter, and geeking out about science-related breakthroughs in the field of mental and emotional well-being. She lives in Houston with her partner and son.
“Mommy?” a tiny voice drifts from the five-year-old's bedroom into the living room, where his mother sits reading.
“Yes, sweetheart?” she responds softly.
“Just checking to make sure you’re there.”
This is how his anxiety shows up.
A little girl complains about an upset stomach, “But my tummy hurts! I can’t go to school, I’m sick!”
Her mother is exhausted from having this daily fight and watching her daughter crumple into tears each. and. every. morning.
This is how her anxiety shows up.
Another child is "shy" and won't talk to other kids at the park. He chooses to play separately from the other kids. His parents don't understand, and they keep trying to introduce him to new friends and arrange playdates.
This is how his anxiety shows up.
Still another young girl paces in circles around the kitchen. She doesn't know why, but her body just can't seem to rest, to relax. Her parents accept this as “normal” for their daughter. She's just a "worrier" after all.
This is how her anxiety shows up.
Anxiety is an emotion everyone feels.
It can include stomach issues, racing heart, sweating, feeling hot, muscle tension, and the unpleasant forward-thinking commonly known as “worry.”
Most people will experience anxiety from time to time. It's completely normal! What's less normal is when anxiety shows up often and starts to get in the way of being able to do important daily tasks - like going to school or work, making friends, or turning on the light in a dark room.
This applies to BOTH adults and children.
But let’s focus on how to help our kids move through anxiety (particularly if you, too, experience it!)
STEP 1:
Whether anxiety shows up every once in a while or frequently, the first step is to be able to recognize it. For almost all children (especially very little ones) stomachaches, headaches, vomiting, and diarrhea are common signs of anxiety.
Though your child may not be able to expressly tell you they’re anxious, what their body communicates speaks volumes. Tune in to what your child's body does and see if you notice a pattern. You might also notice your child avoiding going somewhere or doing something. Anxiety often leads to AVOIDANCE, because who wants to feel that way? Not adults… and not children either. If your child doesn't want to go to school? Or play basketball? Or attend a club meeting? There's a chance it’s because of anxiety.
STEP 2:
When helping your child move through anxiety, there are two important aspects to consider. First, they will likely need support coping with the in-the-moment experience; second, they will need to develop long-term resilience to these intense unpleasant feelings.
Let’s focus on the first part: COPING with anxiety in-the-moment.
I have a degree in social work and am a therapist for children with anxiety. My five-year-old son has anxiety, too, and I started noticing the signs when he was pretty young (age 3).
Here’s a few coping skills I recommend:
#1. START WITH YOU (the parent). The best way to help your child through anxiety is by making sure you remain calm… no matter what feeling your child is having.
Humans have this amazing ability to mirror the emotional states of people around us thanks to something called “mirror neurons.” We can leverage these to the advantage of ourselves and our kids by staying calm. Children will follow our lead.
How do you remain calm? Practice. Lots of it.
I regularly take deep breaths and check-in with my feelings before helping my son. And when I’m really upset, I walk away to make sure I stay calm.
In the beginning, this can be really hard. Staying calm when your child is having a panic attack (and smacks you in the face) should make you eligible for sainthood… But any other reaction will likely lead to more anxiety and stress for everyone involved.
We do this when our children fall down: Instead of freaking out, we ask if they’re okay, kiss the booboo, and send them on their way.
This works for anxiety, too.
Example: Just today, my son had a meltdown complete with crying, screaming, and snot running down his face. Before I started working with kids, I might have immediately jumped in with questions like, “What happened? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
But that’s the opposite of calm and regulated… it shows your stress.
Instead I very calmly asked what was up. His grandpa said he didn’t want to go into the kitchen on his own. That’s when you need…
#2. THE ACCEPTANCE TOOLBOX.
My first tool is “Name It To Tame It.”
While my son looked up at me with his red face and puffy eyes, I said (calmly), “This sounds like your anxiety, bud.”
A second skill is to ask your kid where they feel this in their body. My son is quick to point to his stomach (starting as young as three-years-old).
Physical touch and just being with your child can be other powerful tools. Anxiety is linked to feeling unsafe (similar to fear), so helping your child regulate through co-regulation (like gentle touch) signals safety. Human brains are designed for connection: Connection equals safety.
This can look like putting an arm on your kid’s shoulder, giving them a hug, holding their hand, or just remaining close by. With my son's panic attack today, I stood right next to him, so he knew I was there.
And you can’t have an article about anxiety without talking about the importance of DEEP BREATHING..
My partner and I have been working with our son for a couple of years on taking deep breaths. There’s a lot of technical reasons behind using deep breaths with fear and anxiety, but the simplest explanation is: It’s impossible to be both calm and anxious at the same time.
Taking deep breaths forces our body into a calmer state, and emotions usually follow. Today when my son was crying, I suggested he take three deep breaths. He didn’t (which can happen), so I took three deep breaths for him, over-exaggerating each one.
Why? Remember those mirror neurons? They can also make us mimic behaviors of people around us. Even though my son didn’t take those deep breaths, he knew I was taking them… and his breathing slowed and crying eased.
#3. FEEL THE FEELS (and do it anyway).
This step is perhaps the most important (and hardest) part of helping your child through anxiety: intentionally EXPOSING them to what’s making them anxious (as long as it’s not dangerous).
When we avoid what makes us anxious, our anxiety increases in intensity and frequency over time.
We teach our brains that what we’re anxious about really IS scary and WILL hurt us… and the only answer is to run away (even when that’s not true).
After my son was calmer, he still wanted that popsicle from the kitchen. I encouraged him again to take three breaths, say his mantra (“We can do hard things!”), and go get the popsicle from the fridge by himself.
And he did! Granted, he did so as quickly as he could… but he faced his anxiety regardless. Helping your child through anxiety can be difficult and confusing, particularly if you don’t know where to start.
I suggest you start by playing with these tools to see what works for your child - and practice, practice, practice!
Remember that learning to use these skills independently can take a long time, especially if your child is young. But this is a great step towards learning to cope with anxiety and gain the confidence needed for building long-term resilience.
Written by: Kati Overmier, LMSW, MSSA, co-founder of UNRAVEL Your Days
You can find out more at the instagram account @unravelyourdays
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