How To Avoid Mom Shaming

Reading time is about 4 minutes.

Myself, my daughter, and my friend “Hyla” and her boys at our final zoo outing.

This newsletter is dedicated to the mom friend I didn’t look for, the woman who came to my cavern of postpartum mess and simply sat with me time and time again. You have taught me much about being a mother and supporting other moms without judgment.

Hyla, thank you for dragging me to your backyard to sit in the sun when I didn’t know what to do as a stay-at-home mom. Thank you for our daily voice messages where we encourage each other in Christ as much as we talk about the daily challenges of parenthood. How dare you move away from me! Until I track you down again…

About the time my best friend moved away and I got a job working from home 80% of the time, I realized a significant amount of shame from other mothers disappeared from my life. (To be clear, my best friend was not causing me mom shaming, but it was an event that furthered my isolation.)

I’m making a wild (?) assumption the answer to avoid mom shaming is to avoid moms.

Which feels like a shame, really. Mothers are tough. They know exactly what I’m going through when I’m desperate to go to the gym alone yet feel guilt for leaving my husband behind to chase a potty-training toddler. He can handle it but should he have to be alone? Shouldn’t I be there? I know I always want a helping hand. Why do I feel this way??

I left any Facebook groups made for mothers because I learned the number one rule online is to never post in groups. Only watch and surf the “search” bar looking for answers pulled from other people’s questions, without subjecting yourself to the chaos of the comment sections.

I generally work Monday-Friday, 9 to 5, so my ability to take my daughter (who is also in full-time daycare) to play groups doesn’t exist. The weekends are generally open, but anyone with a toddler can tell you the chaos of a weekend without routine is true chaos indeed. Every day I am exhausted and the idea of socializing with other mothers sounds like studying for a final exam after missing 80% of the semester.

It’s quite possible I am simply depressed (I am), anxious (always), and/or have residual trust issues with building relationships with women (my therapist agrees). However, my lack of socializing with other moms significantly reduces any shame coming my way about my parenting choices. Why does this happen?

Why do women shame each other in the first place? What is shame?

What can be done about it?

Look, I truly don’t know. I’m not an expert on the matter of shame in the academic sense but it’s a feeling that has resided in me for many years.

I can muse that women are its core the keeper of keys for shame and we often try to pass the weighted burden to someone else. Logically, shaming other mothers is stupid. But shame is emotional and deeply personal. Two things can be true at once. Women are familiar with these things, after all. We know what it is like to have a man/woman tell us that we are too much or not enough and the shame that sinks into our ribs and gut as a result. It is like an infection that hides away in our core and we carry it on with us.

I hypothesize that shame from mother to mother can happen for a few reasons.

1. We don’t want anyone to make the same mistakes we did.

2. We don’t want anyone to judge our parenting as wrong.

3. We feel strong convictions that our way is the only way.

4. We know that shame hurts and we use it as a way to defend ourselves, knowing the feeling of bruising words.

Lastly, most importantly, we are human. Easily misguided, very fragile, trauma-carrying, loving, tender, stubborn people.

Here are some moments I have felt shame:

• Witnessing my mother talk poorly about her body as a child and realizing at 31 years old I have her old body and talking poorly about it in front of my daughter.

• Telling my husband (at the time it was in our first six months of marriage) that he was making a stupid mistake in front of strangers.

• Wanting to toss my newborn daughter off my breast and into my husband’s arms because I just couldn’t be touched anymore.

Moments in time that are hard to admit but also relieving to surrender to you, fellow women who are familiar with shame. Instead of passing shame to and from mother to mother, perhaps, with great care and intention, we can pass along empathy.

I pray I can start talking with women with the mindset they’ve already been walking where I have tread, even if the trail is slightly different. I pray you find compassion with me and with yourself, today.