Guest Post: Who Am I Now?

Written by Jen Eden

Today I am sharing another guest post because I am burnt out. All of my creative juices are pouring into the world of nonprofit marketing. I both love what I do and miss having the bandwidth to write here.

But that’s ok. There is always a season to rest and reset. By no means do we fail when we step back to pour into something else. This is not a race.

I am existing over here in my corner, working full time, parenting my now 4 year old, doing what I can to communicate without judging others (failing at that pretty often though), and creating space for the other writers of the internet.

Creating space for others feels really nice, doesn’t it?

Introducing this Jen Eden’s essay: Who Am I Now? I hope you enjoy what you read here and please show her some love by following and subscribing to her newsletter

Thrive in Chaos

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Who Am I Now?

Photo by Anton Luzhkovsky on Unsplash

I have always been a mother. It feels like a strange thing to say but motherhood was a part of my identity long before I had a child of my own. For many years, it was simply something I knew instinctually would be a part of my future. It was a phase of life that I was excited for but not rushing to get to – I knew it would come.

And then, for many years, I had that certainty thrown into doubt as my husband and I struggled to conceive.

I received a diagnosis of stage 4, deep infiltrating endometriosis and adenomyosis, which had wreaked havoc on my reproductive system and several other organs. I had hormonal interventions, major surgery and gruelling recovery period, after which we were given a 6 month window in which natural conception was a possibility. But it did not happen. We embarked on IVF, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, which saw me having to attend most appointments alone – including the one at which I was told our first cycle had failed. From the depths of our devastation, we tried again.

Another failure.

I was all rage and despair and grief. Could it be possible that I had been wrong? That my motherhood self, which I knew down to my bones was a part of me, would not be allowed to bloom? It was unfathomable to me.

With the financial and emotional support of our families, we were able to take a final shot, this time using an egg donor. I will carry the overwhelming gratitude to our families, that generous, unknown donor and the miracle that is the IVF process for the rest of my life. Thanks to that beautiful marriage of love, science and generosity, our remarkable son was born just shy of 21 months ago.

My mother-self made it into the light. I was undone and remade.

Having longed for and dreamed of motherhood for over 7 painful years, I felt well prepared for the parts of the experience that are readily talked about. The sleepless nights, the endless soothing and nappy changing, the trials of weaning – these were all expected challenges. But there was one part of the experience I was utterly unprepared for. That I hadn’t heard anyone talk about. That shocked me and shook me to my core and left me adrift.

Motherhood completely shattered my sense of self.

Who was I now?

I was the mother I always knew and longed to be. I was myself but not myself. I was the same me but completely changed. Where did all my other selves fit in this new life? My professional self; my creative self; my resting self; my wife and sister and daughter and friend self?

Could one person be so many things? Especially when the newest of those selves was as relentlessly demanding as the tiny human who had birthed her?

Who was I now?

I love being a mum and the privilege of this experience burns like a gentle, inextinguishable flame at the heart of me. I have never known a joy like watching our little one grow. It’s also relentless and challenging in ways I wasn’t prepared for. This is the fabric of motherhood. I know it, but – after yearning for so long and having been so blessed – I feel guilty whenever I voice anything other than joy.

I love my job and the career I’ve built and I’m excited to keep nurturing this part of my self and life. I’m also conscious of the responsibilities of my professional position, that my pre-mum working habits are no longer workable but the demands remain the same (if not more!). I want my son to grow up seeing me as a full and nuanced person, with a fulfilling professional life who defines her own success. I also want him to know he will always come first.

I love my friends and family – my village – and am beyond grateful for the grace and patience they have extended to me as I move into and through these new seasons of motherhood. I know I am not always as actively present to them as I would like to be, but I hope they all know that I am doing my best and that I am always here for them – no matter how distracted or constantly interrupted I might be!

I love the creative self that has emerged renewed from my early matrescence. It was a wholly unexpected side effect of new motherhood that I would experience a flood of creativity, that the world would suddenly seem bursting with new inspiration, all shiny and bright after B’s arrival. That flood of creative inspiration, unfortunately, did not come with the requisite burst of energy to put it into action! In fact (and this will come as no surprise to the parents amongst you) I’ve never been more exhausted or lacking in energy in my life. That seems to have become truer as we’ve moved from the baby bubble into toddlerhood. My boy is all go-go-go and most days I’m just trying to keep up as he runs laughing gleefully ahead of me. But he helps me see magic in the world every day, and what a creative gift that is.

All these overlapping, interlocking, yet distinct parts of my identity. They clamor for attention and weave a complex tapestry of wonder and questioning, longing and fulfilment, discovery and loss. It cloaks my inner landscape in a quiet tumult whilst my outer self simply…cracks on with life.

One thing this breaking and remaking of self has driven home to me, is what a wildly complicated and beautifully nuanced thing it is to be human.

I am still working out how to allow space for all my selves. Some days I am all one and none of the others. Some I am a mix of selves, layered one over the other, each surfacing in turn. I don’t think there will necessarily be an end to this ebb and flow, as every new season of life will bring new demands and challenges. Initially, I was striving for ‘balance’ but I’ve come to realise that balance, in the way we usually think of it, is rarely feasible in the realities of life. Different days call for different things. Some days I can consciously choose which of my selves I want to nurture and give time to. Others it is completely out of my control and I just show up armored in whichever self is needed.

I am working on leaning into acceptance, trying to be responsive, honouring my capacity, letting go of ‘should’s and enjoying the small moments of possibility that pop up through my days, weeks and months. I am working on celebrating this shattered, sacred sense of self. She is many.

She is me.

She is magic.

Jen is Director of Business Development for a PR, marketing and creative consultancy, boy mum and published poet. She lives in South Manchester, UK, with her son, husband and hyper Springer Spaniel. When not playing trains and tractors with her boy, she’ll be found reading, writing or out in nature.

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