Guest Post: Reflecting On Reflective Capacity
Written by Dorcas Nung, LMFT
Your children aren’t you.
Obvious, sure, but have you ever wondered why you feel the reactions swell up like waves when they aren’t “cooperating” and you’re both standing there like an old Western movie showdown? Maybe we can lessen the showdowns by getting curious about what’s happening beyond the surface.
When
first contacted me about being a featured writer and I read this piece, I realized Motherhood Minute explores reflective capacity all the time. I just didn’t have a term for the act of pausing and asking “is this happening because of me or is my child going through their own thing right now?”Introducing this republishing of Dorcas’ work: Reflecting On Reflective Capacity. I hope you enjoy what you read here and please show her some love by following and subscribing to her newsletter
Reflecting On Reflective Capacity
How looking beneath the surface allows us to develop greater empathy and understanding, and sustains us in parenting over the long term
The days have been dark, wet and shockingly short in the past couple of weeks. There was the bombogenesis last week when the winds howled and chill rains soaked us to the skin.
Despite all of that, life continued…Kids and parents showed up for choir concerts, cello lessons, orchestra performances and piano lessons. Regular school happened even as bus routes were affected by toppling trees.
When these Autumn days arrive here in the Pacific Northwest with their unswerving inevitability, I enter it with a spot of grousing. It’s the beginning of months of steady dampness and limited light, which after 14 years of living here I still haven’t gotten used to completely.
There is one part that I do appreciate, however, even more than sweaters and scarves. This time is the beginning of an inward slowing and a shift toward more reflection, an activity I find deeply rich and rewarding.
"Who looks outside Dreams. Who looks inside Awakens."
Carl Jung
Why Bother Reflecting?
When most of us hear the word reflection, it’s often the turn toward the self that we think of — a looking within, a consideration of the actions we’ve taken or the words we said (or didn’t dare say), a mulling over of how our choices may have affected others. Feelings arise when we do this, and can range from contentment to regret.
It’s an inward dive, a turning toward the deeper truths of our experiences. Whatever may show up, self-reflection is essential if we want to grow and evolve.
Since this is a season for reflection, I thought it’d be a good time to talk specifically about reflective capacity.
Also called reflective functioning, reflective thinking and mentalization, it’s one of the most important activities we can engage in as parents to sustain us — and our relationships with others, including our children — for the long term.
What Is It?
Reflective capacity is the ability to notice, understand and interpret our own and our children’s feelings, thoughts, intentions and desires.
We engage in it by looking beneath a behavior, which is only the top layer, to consider what is driving it. It is about being able to imagine, wonder and reflect on our own internal experiences as well as those of others within the context of relationship, such as that between parent and child.
How Does This Relate to Parenting Exactly?
Understanding and cultivating reflective capacity supports yourself, your child and most importantly, the relationship between the two of you in a number of ways.
For example, when your kiddo is engaging in behavior that doesn’t immediately make sense to you, you can ask yourself questions such as: What is my child feeling that is making him act this way right now? What is he thinking? Is he exhausted from a long school day and having a hard time holding it together? Has he reached the limits of his ability to regulate himself for today? And further, What is going on in me that I feel completely frustrated by what is happening here?
In asking these types of questions, you may soon realize that your child had trouble falling asleep last night and then had a full day of school and activities after that. You might think, Oh! No wonder. I would be falling apart too if I were him.
You may also realize that your day was hectic and you feel worn thin by it. Upon this realization, you may then offer yourself more compassion, empathy and understanding than if you hadn’t considered these questions and had responded in a quick and reactive way.
Reflective capacity is worth cultivating because it supports the following:
Attachment: Our ability to notice and respond to both our own and our kiddos’ feelings, thoughts, intentions and desires helps our children develop their own capacity to reflect within a relationship and form secure attachments.
Emotional Regulation: As parents, when we are have strong reflective capacity, we can better help our children manage and understand their emotions by supporting them through co-regulation. If you stay calm, they are more likely to calm down faster.
Relationships: Reflective capacity enhances the parent-child relationship by supporting mutual understanding and empathy. This allows for a greater sense of security within your connection.
Self-Other Differentiation: What are my thoughts or feelings? What are yours? Cultivating reflective capacity in ourselves also helps children develop a coherent sense of self and the ability to understand others as separate individuals with distinct thoughts and feelings.
When we put attention on strengthening our reflective capacity as parents, we can create strong and supportive relationships with ourselves and our children for the long term.
Six Ways to Strengthen Your Own Reflective Capacity
This is a skill. Remember that when it comes to skills, they become stronger and more readily accessible to you the more you practice them. You can do this by:
Practicing Self-Awareness and Presence
Recognize and understand your own mental states, emotions and reactions.
Getting Curious About Your Child's Mind
Wonder about your child's thoughts, feelings, desires and intentions behind their behaviors. Wonder aloud. Wonder with them!
Engaging In Reflective Discussions
Talk to your child about how their day went, including what they enjoyed, what felt challenging.Using Reflective Questioning
Ask open-ended questions to explore your child's perspective, such as "How do you think your friend felt at that moment?"Remembering Co-Regulation
When you manage your emotions, especially during challenging parenting moments, you can help your child return to calm sooner.
Being Embodied
Pay attention to non-verbal cues and interactions with your child. Notice what’s happening in your own body, including where sensations are located. Feel your feet on the ground.
While these may be dark times, there is ample room for letting the light in. Cultivating reflective capacity is one important way we can make sure this happens.
Dorcas Nung, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, a certified perinatal mental health specialist, parenting consultant, writer, boy mom and creator of Birth of a Parent, where she offers tools and support for expectant (and experienced) parents. She is especially passionate about supporting women entering the wilderness of first-time motherhood.
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This was terrific! Such a precise explanation of this parental function that is so essential but also so difficult to describe or teach. Thank you for sharing it!