Guest Post: Lessons I Learned Guiding My Children Through Crisis and Grief
Written by Rebecca Masinter
When I put out a call a couple months ago for guest posts, I underestimated the number of women who would email me (as I underestimated the number of speakers who would apply…).
One email that got lost in the mix of my unread inbox was from Rebecca, who is the guest author today. Many things stood out to me about her submission on grief and parenting through hard times but one portion really hit home.
She writes: “My son turned to me with a straight-forward look and said matter-of-factly, “Of course you’re sad. She’s your sister.” With that, he hopped on his bike and rode off. Not all kids feel complicated emotions at all times! Sometimes it really is simple.”
My daughter said something similar the morning I grieved over my aunt’s unexpected death. “It’s ok to be sad, she was your aunt.” Sometimes we can forget to let our emotions be what they will be. I have been learning so much about the oddities of grief.
Introducing this Mother's Guidance essay: Lessons I Learned Guiding My Children Through Crisis and Grief.
I know it’s an odd one to post the weekend of Mother’s Day but I my hope for you is that it will allow you space to grieve if needed while feeling supported, especially if you’ve lost a sister, a mother, or a friend.
If you’re looking for updates on the Mental Health and Motherhood Summit, speakers will be notified on their submissions after May 15. You can learn more about the event at
https://www.mentalhealthmomevent.com/
Lessons I Learned Guiding My Children Through Crisis and Grief by Rebecca Masinter
Three and a half years ago, with my sister’s stage four colon cancer diagnosis, my family embarked on a journey we didn’t sign up for. Navigating serious illness and death is daunting on its own, but parenting a family through such a significant challenge is even more overwhelming.
My sister and I lived in close proximity for most of our lives, spanning four cities and four decades. For my children, Tia Rena as they called her, (with five sisters, she felt that “Aunt” was too generic), was a second mother. Our children were in and out of each other’s houses on a daily basis. Shabbos (Sabbath) holidays, birthday parties, park trips and errands were often joint occasions. Our children coined the word “fuzzins” to describe their relationship; friends and cousins. As far back as my kids remember, she was part of their daily life. Her illness and passing took the second most important woman in their lives away as well as the mother of their dearest and closest “fuzzins”.
I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy supporting Rena and her family through this challenge, yet the hardest parts for me personally were always the conversations and efforts I made for each of our children. My own pain seemed manageable, but planning for and watching our children’s hearts break was excruciating.
Rena and I talked together about what we would share with our children and how we could set them up for support and resilience. Throughout these challenging conversations it became clear that parenting through crisis called upon us to be okay with contradictions.
We had to accept that we weren’t going to make it all better for our children and yet still try to do our best.
We had to accept that no one could ever replace Rena, and yet still make plans to keep going after she was gone.
We had to project confidence and calmness to our children, while going through our own turbulent personal experiences.
Parenting through crisis and grief is full of contradictions.
We can’t possibly get it all right, yet we can’t afford to get it all wrong.
While each family is unique and each challenge is different, there are many families navigating challenges every day. We aren’t the only family to suffer through a crisis and we aren’t the only parents who must watch their children in pain. Rena and I both grew as individuals and mothers over the last three years and I believe these lessons are ones we both learned together.
I wish I could give this article to Rena to add her comments and suggestions, but I can’t. Instead I’m offering you my perspective on five contradictions, ten realities that are true in different ways and times, as a guide for parents navigating the muddy swamp of crisis and grief with their children.
Contradiction One:
In sickness and in health, you are the captain of your family. You know yourself and you know your children. You are the best person to determine what your children need and don’t need. Trust yourself and your instincts.
Rena had very strong parenting instincts and was unafraid to do what she felt was right regardless of others’ opinions. As she began to get close to the end, many people put forth their ideas and suggestions, strongly felt and urgently stated. Rena accepted some, put others on hold for a later time, and rejected others. I encouraged her to trust herself as she always had. Her wisdom and intuition was not harmed by cancer and deserved to be consulted.
At the same time, be open to advice and learning from others’ experiences. Many people have walked challenging roads before you and their perspective can be enlightening. Listen to advice with an attitude of curiosity - while the specifics may not be exactly or immediately relevant to you, your children will benefit from your broadened perspective.
Contradiction Two:
Be honest with your children. It’s vitally important for children to know they can trust their parents to be open with them about the crisis. Often, children’s fears loom larger than the reality. If they know they can trust us to be open with them, they can put their fears to rest.
One of the most difficult conversations I had with my children was three months ago when Rena’s physical strength began to decline. I shared with them what the natural progression would be, (leaving open the possibility but not probability of a miracle), and then told my children that I would tell them when I felt we were getting close to the end so that they needn’t wake up every morning wondering “Will it be today?”. I eventually did have to share with them that Rena’s time in this world was coming to an end, but until then they didn’t need to be living under that threat.
At the same time, parents shouldn’t give children information they’re not ready for or scary details. Calmly presented information does not mean telling them day-by-day updates or fostering fears with vague insinuations.
Contradiction Three:
It’s important to tell children that all emotions and reactions are valid. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to feel silly and it’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to have lots of different emotions and it’s okay to watch the other people in our family have lots of different reactions. It’s okay for a child to see their parents feeling sad.
I went for a walk with one of my young children and shared that it must be hard for him to see his parents and grandparents so sad. My son turned to me with a straight-forward look and said matter-of-factly, “Of course you’re sad. She’s your sister.” With that, he hopped on his bike and rode off. Not all kids feel complicated emotions at all times! Sometimes it really is simple.
At the same time, parents can share that we too are in pain and yet we are one-hundred percent confident that as we are all suffering through this challenge together, we will come out the other side and truly be okay together. Right now we’re crying but the day will come when we will joyfully laugh again. Whatever our current feelings are, we must project to our children complete confidence that everyone impacted by this challenge will eventually thrive.
Contradiction Four:
Parents of faith must tell our children that God is good and we fully accept that everything He does is perfect.
At the same time, we must also tell our children that God gives us situations that hurt and it’s normal to feel pained and upset with His decisions. No child should feel that if they are sad, scared, or angry at God, they are lacking in faith or religiosity. He gives us situations that are very difficult and holds us through all the complexities of the grieving process. God can handle our anger. He can handle our grief. It’s okay to feel distress over His decisions.
Contradiction Five:
Our children must know that God hears and treasures all our prayers. Each prayer makes an impact in the world, whether or not we see the result.
The fact that Rena wasn’t cured doesn’t mean that the thousands of prayers said on her behalf were rejected. On the contrary, they were lovingly collected and answered, albeit in ways we don’t understand. Our prayers for recovery contributed to her physical and emotional comfort through the end and they surely are contributing to her husband and children’s wellbeing.
At the same time, parents must make sure our children understand that they were and are incapable of changing the situation and nothing they did or didn’t do caused the challenge. No child (or adult) should be left wondering if they had only prayed one more prayer or done one more righteous act, could the crisis have ended differently. God’s decisions are His alone and He does what He knows is right, regardless of our prayers, faith, and efforts.
May God provide strength and solace through the challenges and may we all merit to parent our children through many joyous occasions!
Rebecca is a mother to six wonderful children and is passionate about parenting. As a homeschool mom for many years as well as being a classroom teacher and curriculum coordinator for local schools, Rebecca is tuned into the challenges and opportunities facing parents today. She founded and runs Mother's Guidance, a website and blog devoted to helping parents tap into their innate potential to raise their children with wisdom and confidence.
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