Cell Phone Photography & Tantrums

And updates on membership here

Reading time about 4 minutes

In the midst of the photographs I took on my phone in motherhood, was I hoping to remember the toddler tantrums that went with them?…

It’s a Sunday morning on a weekend trip with my family and I feel unrested and touched out. My daughter is two years old and is learning how to be independent and navigate the world (I.e. she’s been a challenger to nearly everything I say.)

When she tries to self sooth by putting her hand in my shirt I feel the opposite of soothed myself. I don’t want to be touched when I’m feeling overwhelmed but that’s exactly what she wants for herself.

Pictured: child refusing to function between moments of joyful play.

These are the things we don’t see when we witness the photographs taken by mothers: the gaps between snapshots full of snot and a mother trying to break the cycle of generations of trauma.

We see a child enjoying the forest (not the mom desperately trying to document a peaceful moment between times where said child is endangering themselves.)

There is something to be said for authenticity in sharing the hardships but maybe…maybe I don’t always want to remember the hard moments between the framed memories in my camera roll.

I’m not here to preach against sharing the hardships of motherhood (um remember what Motherhood Minute is all about and how it began in a season of postpartum depression) but I do want to remember both the good and the difficult as pairings.

I want to remember that with every smile can come a cry (and every cry with a hug). I believe every season teaches us how circumstances can be a blessing and a challenge.

There are no better seasons. We curse ourselves by having an expectation that the next year or week will be better than the last. There are blessings in both.

I recently restarted my paid subscription back up on Motherhood Minute which means you’ll have an opportunity to support me financially at $5 a month if you’re someone who enjoys reading this newsletter.

That paywall felt like a hard decision. Am I worthy enough to ask for financial support like a traditional author if I have yet to publish a book?

Yes, I tell myself, full of self doubt.

For the same reasons that charging some archives with a paywall bothers me, I don’t share a lot about what’s going on in my life in the way I used to.

Money is tight and I feel exposed, vulnerable.

Work right now is a job that has no creative outlet or joy. Since my husband and I both lost jobs at the end of April we have many days we feel totally lost about our futures.

I don’t want to be working full time but I am bound to the full time paycheck. Family support can look like not seeing family much in this season. I want to write but the words choke inside my throat and my head is plagued by more frequent migraines from the stress.

Family and writing; two of my loves I have less time and energy for these days.

I have dreams of homeschooling and having my daughter in daycare only half the day. I have dreams of not feeling the pressure of bills as much as we do right now. I think my daughter may be clinging to be near me so much on our weekends and evenings because she misses me.

It’s heartbreaking.

There is a deep hurt happening under the surface and it’s why I’ve started a two year bible school program online: I see hurt and distraction by a world giving me false ideas of my worth.

I want to dig deeper into the weeds of my life and uproot them. I want to replace my knowledge of society’s expectations of me as a mother and woman and replace them with a foundational soul of God.

In fact I’ve started a newsletter about that journey at

The Bible School Notebook

. If you’re looking for writing about the Bible and the journey in biblical education, that’s where you’ll find it.

And for this newsletter you’ll still get topics on motherhood, creativity, and work.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking around and helping me feel more seen.

-Chanel Riggle